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Looking harder through my food stuffs and digging through Arthudo's meats in the freezer, I happily discovered a pound of ground beef. I went ahead and took a shot at making chili. Although it can be hit & miss, I was relieved that this batch was a success - not my best chili perhaps, but good.

As for the rest, the meats are either too old or otherwise unusable, except for pork chops. I never learned how to cook pork chops, which I have always counted as a misfortune, because Teri knew how to make them and they were delicious - and different, too, making for nice variety. I think I am going to have to try again. It would be sweet relief to get some good meat in my diet again.

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Alright, you can buy knives at the gun shops in GTA 5. On the downside, though, it's not as much fun mugging and snuffing hot babes on the streets. With just one punch, they just drop dead - without a knife! In GTA 4, you could watch them struggle back up two or three times and then put them back down again as they cry out in pain & defeat, which is a real sweetener for your inner-sadist.

On the other hand, there are a lot more kinds of hotties, just as there are a lot more kinds of people and situations in general. And the character-interactions & dialogues are longer and richer, which I love. I am not a hardcore gamer who needs to be shooting down zombies every second. I want to lose myself a little in the way that you do when you watch a movie.

Another big improvement is that when you fail a part of a mission three times, you get the option to effectively skip it as accomplished. I absolutely love that! I enjoy some mission-play and shooting and stuff, but I don't want to be overwhelmed by it. I don't really care if I can master all the missions. I just want to enjoy all the situations that we are given.

Of course, I can always use more romance and sex than they seem able to give us. I could also enjoy more interactions with the dog, named Chop. A downside of GTA 5 is that the game is monetized more. If you want to be able to train Chop, for instance, you have to go online and buy the App for that. And I hear there is more stuff like that in the game. But I guess they are in business to make money, and they do seem to give us a lot for the retail price of the game. I don't know if there are any righteous grounds for complaints. I just wish I had the money and knew how to buy such goodies. Man, what I'd be willing to pay for better sexy times! or for a 'groping' option!

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Being completely and utterly alone all this time, with all due respect to the cats, for close to three weeks, I am mindful of the ... extremity of my isolation. I don't mean just in this limbo period, but I mean my whole adult life. And it's not as though talking with Teri or Arthudo could have ever been very satisfying. I am dead to the world. I was never alive to the world!

This brings back to mind those Blurty years. It was only e-stuff, but those blogging-friendships entailed a lot of good, deep conversations. There was some heart-stuff in that - enough to break my own heart. I ask myself again, what if that never happened? I seriously doubt that I would have lasted this long. On the other hand, what was the point of lasting this long? Maybe it just delayed things and made me that much more of a fool.

But I don't want to sound ungrateful for these years. The truth is, I enjoyed my books and musings. And I'll say it again, I would love another twenty years of the life I've led. It's not happiness, being so lonely, but there is a richness in it. I am a watcher of the world, and I can sometimes feel the poetry of life in all its striving, dreaming, and dying.