(no subject)

Monkey bread for breakfast! I'm glad I got myself this sugary goody when we got groceries. It was a nice little treat in this limbo period.

I had a dream. Not much of one, though. A little wish-fulfillment thing. I was in Arthudo's bedroom, when Arthudo and Victor came in. Arthudo was looking quite good and strong. One hard note: neither of them seemed to even notice me. It's as though I do not exist. I imagine this reflects the utter loneliness I have been feeling in this limbo time. I don't have one ally. For a little while, I thought Lori was there to help a little, but I haven't heard from her in days, and I suspect Jack has co-opted her, being bird-brains of a feather. I seem to be in my own private little Alamo - besieged, with vultures flying in circles overhead.

(no subject)

My last pound of ground beef. I was set on doing burritos, but I'm wondering if I should do chili instead ... I don't know, chili can be a little hit and miss. Yeah, I better stick to burritos. I cannot afford a miss.

To think, Friday would have been grocery day. I'd be making the list today. Ah, memories...

(no subject)

Regarding movies, I was happy to find that I still have "Waking Life" recorded on my DVR, the animated feature about a young man who keeps waking up into another dream and is desperate to get out of this seemingly endless dream cycle that he is on. It's probably better than "Melancholia" for my present circumstances. I am practically running the movie on a loop. My favorite bit of dialogue is the last one with the pinball player, who gives out his theory about life and time:

There is only one instant, and it's right now, and it's an instant in which God is posing a question, "Do you want to be one with eternity? Do you want to be in heaven?" And we're all saying, "Nooo, thank you, not just yet." And so time is actually just this constant saying 'No' to God's invitation. I mean, that's what time is. ... This is the narrative of everyone's life, that behind the phenomenal difference, there is but one story, and that is the story of moving from the 'no' to the 'yes' ... That's the journey. Everyone gets to the 'yes' in the end.

Now, I am not so desperate and deranged that I believe I have found in this the ultimate answer to the riddle of the universe and life, but I do find it particularly appealing in this limbo time in which I presently find myself. It's a comfort.

(no subject)

I took care of that shave. I cannot say I feel refreshed.

I knew I was always on the ugly side, but, man, looking at my face closely in the mirror, wow, I've plunged to all new depths of ugliness. My face is much more splotchy with darker skin regions. And it looks like I got pouches of fattiness. All of this is in addition to the fact that my face is largely just a mass of scar tissue. Let me put it this way, I shouldn't have such a difficult time moving to the 'yes' side on whether I am ready for eternity and to give up this godforsaken body. Let's not forget the fat belly either, which I have always hated, ever since I grew it. It should be easy to shimmy off this mortal coil. Indeed, whenever I am ready to take my shot, I should have this little mirror by me, so that I might strengthen my resolve by looking into it.

Before this evening, I knew that romance was not likely, but I really considered it a possibility - an outside chance. The charms of my mind could make up for my face. But now, aside from the issues of health and death that are so pressing, I see how impossible it is. I am truly hideous.

Yet, it remains true that, if I could just be financially secure, I would really love to stick around if only for the pleasures of the mind, as well as to see my cats' lives through. And there is Internet porn.

Rereading the above, I can see how one might be easily confused. What, have I not looked into a mirror in years? Kind of not. I generally make a point of avoiding it. For instance, I only use a very dim light in my bathroom and I leave the mirror dirty. This evening, though, I decided to go ahead and clean the mirror I was shaving with, and I decided to look into the mirror with a bright light on. I don't often get such a clear look at what I got. I definitely don't study my face. In this limbo state, however, I decided to do just that. Maybe it will make things easier.