Ellis

A couple of related dreams. They seem to be closely related to home life with me and Pop. In one he is cooking a big, deep pot of chili, and he grumbles that we will have to eat half of it. We? I think it's Jack and me, and that this is the dream world in which home life consists of Pop, me, and Jack. I argue a little with Pop that we'll definitely eat some, but it's really unreasonable to insist that we should eat so much, since he made it wholly of his own volition. Why should it be our responsibility what becomes of it.

In the second dream, we are at a department store. The only thing that really stands out is that Pop wants to buy some ties for me - Ellis ties, I think - if Ellis is still around and makes ties. The only way I know Ellis is through "American Psycho". Perry Ellis.

I just noticed, when I was thinking about these dreams - not really finding them interesting enough to write down but for this blurty mood - how all my dreams of Pop always have him in a very unflattering light. He is always grumbling and demanding - the petty would-be patriarch-lord.

I feel a little bad about this. I do have these negative feelings toward him, since I do have to be his subordinate and he is so low-IQ yet haughty, but I think I appreciate that he has been good to me, letting me live off him while refraining from hassling me about getting a job. I wish I could feel more affectionate toward him. I mean, Teri was worse to me, finding needed and delightful diversion in emasculating me in any little way that came to her mind, but I still seem to be flooded by tender feelings for her, including in my dreams. Though, I see this could have something to do with the fact that she is dead. When she was alive, my dreams of her were not so sweet and tender. She was often a real witch in my dreams.

* * *

Thinking about Perry Ellis and "American Psycho", I was struck by the fact that the author is an Ellis. I don't suppose that Bret is a part of that family, but it somehow hooked into my mind, and I felt like googling. This has nothing to do with Perry Ellis, but I came across this Bret quotation from the year 2010 about his novel, and I want to keep it:

[Bateman] was crazy the same way [I was]. He did not come out of me sitting down and wanting to write a grand sweeping indictment of yuppie culture. It initiated because of my own isolation and alienation at a point in my life. I was living like Patrick Bateman. I was slipping into a consumerist kind of void that was supposed to give me confidence and make me feel good about myself but just made me feel worse and worse and worse about myself. That is where the tension of American Psycho came from. It wasn't that I was going to make up this serial killer on Wall Street. High concept. Fantastic. It came from a much more personal place, and that's something that I've only been admitting in the last year or so. I was so on the defensive because of the reaction to that book that I wasn't able to talk about it on that level.

There is also this interesting factoid: "Ellis researched murders at the New York Public Library. His first draft of American Psycho left all the grisly scenes until last, to be added in."

[Wikipedia]

Omelette

Pop cooks up an omelette for his late brunch today. Seeing it in the pan, looking like a rectangular eggy roll of bread, I am reminded of my earliest childhood, maybe four or even three years old, when I used to eat those things regularly. I think Teri probably made them better. Pop's omelette looks almost like pure egg.

Snack Time

It's about snack time. I'm stomped by the familiar question: what do I want to watch? Or listen to? Music, my audiobook? Anything! It kills me how much energy I waste on this question.

This is what sports could be good for. Not long ago, about a few months back - I don't think I ever wrote about it, this being before my blurty mood - I was getting back into baseball. At times like this, when I needed something to watch, I always had a baseball game going. People have posted on YouTube more than enough games for my needs. That was very handy, let me tell you. The problem is that I lost interest in the game. I couldn't care less who was up or down. I mostly resented that they were making millions of dollars playing games.

Since this is only my snack time, which means that I only need ten or fifteen minutes, I think I will go with nothing. I'm just going to spoon a little ice cream and let my thoughts float about.

Skirt Girl

Fiddling around on my porn blog, I was moved to check out one of the few people still left on my list of mutual friends: Skirt Girl. She hasn't posted in over 200 weeks. She left an interesting note on her profile page: "Confidence is often mistaken for vanity, conquering is easy, love is complicated, sex is not always worth the anticipation leading up to it, seduction is an art, life is beautiful." And along with her name she posted the tag line: "Trading it all for a thousand one night stands."

She was not merely a fantasist, not a fat girl living a double life in text online. She was a hottie and got around. She was one of the real things - like Anouk, like Christie. And, as you can tell with those quotations, she was also a wit with some writing skills - not terribly unlike Sugar. She was one of my happy finds in my e-social-life. She was not one of my more involved relationships, but it was fun while it lasted. Hell, that whole era was the time of my life.

Being a Poet

“There’s nothing more embarrassing than being a poet, really.”

-- Elizabeth Bishop

Oh, yeah? How about trying to pose as a poet and trying to write poetry, but not really being able to carry it off - to be a wannabe poet? Now, that is sad!