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I got into a bloggy discussion on Christian faith, and although I don’t suppose I strike out on any new ground, I thought it was a statement worth keeping to mark my relationship with religion at this point in my life. This is what I wrote:
More self-condemnatory, there is my strong and intense interest in the wilder and darker side of sexuality, as my pornographic appetite exceeds the rather demure offerings of “Playboy” magazine. True, we are only talking about fantasies in the mind, and how else can it be, considering what a less than princely specimen of manhood I am, but even so, Christianity in any recognizable form is a strongly prim and prudish way of looking at all things sexual, and as one could point out, I don’t have merely impure thoughts, I have hideously evil thoughts, and if I could cajole someone to play with me, they would be more than thoughts, even if ultimately comic in execution.
I suppose there is an absurdity in my whole stance, but I identify with Andrew Sullivan's quip about faith: “The moral is that religion is both insane and necessary at the same time.” Between the untenability of supernatural concepts and the dismal nature of my material life, I can accept both the insanity and the necessity of unlimited hope. For myself, I don't seem to have the psychology to actually take that leap of faith into the supernatural world, not in the twenty-first century anyway, but I can still find it to be a morally beguiling and lovely idea, and even feel the tragedy that it should not be true and real. It's getting late in life for me, and I guess I'm about out of options.
I actually still struggle over whether to consider myself a Christian. Though, when I recently answered a jury summons, I filled out the religion question with 'none'. I ultimately based my answer on the fact that I don't go to church.I omitted some aspects of my religious biography because I did not want to offend my interlocutors. For instance, one of the reasons why I do not care to come out publicly as a Christian is that too many Christians in America have managed to make Christianity seem like a religion of hatred and intolerance and anti-science. In particular, I am put off by how they make Christianity a religion for the wealthy under their so-called prosperity gospel, when I find the most charming aspect of Christianity to be its insistence that it is a consoling faith for the poor and the marginalized, for the meek and the needy, more of a slave’s religion indeed.
Perhaps the deeper reason that would be considered a disqualification is the fact that I am not comfortable with supernatural concepts.
It might be asked, why do I even flirt with the idea of Christianity? As uncomfortable as I am with supernatural concepts, I actually feel some emotional hunger for the idea of the divine and for a better world beyond the one we know. As for the thought-systems that seek to account for such a divine realm, nothing comes as close as Christianity to stirring some real feelings of possibility within me. I really like Christian literature, for instance. It somehow strikes a chord in me.
Moreover, even if it could be known without a doubt that there is no supernatural reality that transcends our known world, and that death is final and absolute without doubt, I wouldn't feel cheated for my interest in Christianity, because I think it also has a good idealistic philosophy of peace, equality, love, and hope.
More self-condemnatory, there is my strong and intense interest in the wilder and darker side of sexuality, as my pornographic appetite exceeds the rather demure offerings of “Playboy” magazine. True, we are only talking about fantasies in the mind, and how else can it be, considering what a less than princely specimen of manhood I am, but even so, Christianity in any recognizable form is a strongly prim and prudish way of looking at all things sexual, and as one could point out, I don’t have merely impure thoughts, I have hideously evil thoughts, and if I could cajole someone to play with me, they would be more than thoughts, even if ultimately comic in execution.
I suppose there is an absurdity in my whole stance, but I identify with Andrew Sullivan's quip about faith: “The moral is that religion is both insane and necessary at the same time.” Between the untenability of supernatural concepts and the dismal nature of my material life, I can accept both the insanity and the necessity of unlimited hope. For myself, I don't seem to have the psychology to actually take that leap of faith into the supernatural world, not in the twenty-first century anyway, but I can still find it to be a morally beguiling and lovely idea, and even feel the tragedy that it should not be true and real. It's getting late in life for me, and I guess I'm about out of options.
