May. 17th, 2017

3 A. M.

May. 17th, 2017 08:00 am
monk222: (DarkSide: by spiraling_down)
Another bout of the 3 a.m. sweats. It has been a frequent subject in this journal lately, too frequent, but it has been that big of a factor in my life. I was hoping that with my last self-revelations, understanding that I have not earned and am not owed a better position in society, that I might have broken free from these panic attacks. The truth will set you free! Apparently I was too optimistic. Or maybe that wasn't the truth, or at least not the whole truth.

This raises an interesting question: what would it take for me to be free from these attacks? Would working in fast food or at a grocery store break the dark spell? If my family and I were wealthy, would that be okay?

In going over this issue in my mind, it occurred to me that maybe the key is my loneliness. It struck me, for instance, that it might not be a mere coincidence that these attacks have picked up dramatically right when I have become disengaged completely from Internet forums and discussions. Even old Pig Shit stopped trying to draw me back to LiveJournal weeks ago. The only thing I get in my e-mail are ads. Maybe it is this that my subconscious is reacting too. I am like an astronaut whose tether has been cut off and is left floating off into dark space. And nobody is coming to save me. Nobody believed that I was worth saving. I tell you, the power of an ugly face, eh?

If this is the case, I hope my subconscious can get over it, because I do not see this condition changing. I am not going to start making friends and fall in love now. Maybe this is the truth that I needed to learn that will set me free from these nervous attacks. Once you know your fear, it ceases to be scary. Maybe.

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