May. 16th, 2017

monk222: (DarkSide: by spiraling_down)
Only a little more than an hour after I went to bed and fell asleep last night, I woke up with a coughing fit. Unusually, I also had one of my 3 a.m. scares - unusual because these 3 a.m. sweats have always been their own independent occasions. "Oh, my god, I am 52, for real, and my life is going to end this way, living with my dad, never having had a friend or a career, the biggest failure you can be without ending up in prison! ... I should have been somebody. I have talent! Even my old blogging buddies saw it. I should be somebody!"

I couldn't go back to sleep for a while afterward, and I got in some more of heartblood reading with Hayman's biography of Mann. And in this bout of nocturnal restlessness, I began to see clearly, for the first time, how silly I am to think that I should be somebody. If I should be somebody, why couldn't I pass those law exams? Why couldn't I write those 20-page papers? Why couldn't I even pass that public affairs program?, for crying out loud! Moreover, if I ever need to get over myself as a writer, I should just pick up some of my old journal entries, especially the ones Dr. G. got to see. Does that really look like something that might have a place in the pages of the New Republic or the New Yorker? That drivel wouldn't make it into a good high school paper.

In the end, I was fortunate enough to hold 'opportunity' in my hands, but it was too heavy for me and I simply dropped it and watched my future shatter on the floor.

This is not to say that I am so dumb and useless that it is crazy to think of me having a position as a highly paid bullshitter, one in an army of empty suits, but I would have had to be very lucky in making the right friends. It's not something that I was owed. It is not a travesty of justice that I should be living as I do. You might say that justice is what I have. It's just that one cannot help thinking that mercy is twice blessed: "The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath!" But maybe my interest in rape-porn and my sex life with prostitutes kind of spoiled that. And although it seems far-fetched, maybe Kelly really was a test and not merely a fluke of fortune that landed a naked teenage girl in my bed, a test of my character, a test that I miserably failed. I did not show her mercy, and so mercy was not shown to me - like the Jew of Venice indeed. Though, I at least got my pound of flesh, and then some.


May. 16th, 2017 06:34 pm
monk222: (Default)
A Democratic official tweets, 'White House sources say Trump is cursing up a storm - ranting and raving. Yelling at staffers & using the "F" word. He's losing it tonight.' Matters have continued going downhill for Trump since the firestorm he sparked off by firing Comey, the former FBI director. One big thing: in a meeting with Russian officials, in what was apparently a mood of braggadocio, Trump revealed classified information that might jeopardize the life of an Israeli spy operating inside ISIS, the terrorist army. Another big thing: Comey asserts that Trump tried to get him to drop the Russia investigation, which would be an obstruction of justice and an impeachable offense by itself. The Republicans in Congress still are not breaking away from Trump, but they are obviously more nervous and jittery. I wonder if it is beginning to feel a little like Hitler's bunker in there.

* * *

Douthat's Wednesday column has come out a little early. As it deals so intimately with this Trump drama, I will keep it here.

Read more... )


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