Thursday

[monk222]

Looking out the kitchen door this morning, I am surprised to see a group of leaves fluttering to the ground, as I realized that autumn is finally upon us. ... ... What time is it? 5:07?! Fuck!! Pop left for Kay's place for a stay-over, and I blew the whole afternoon on this wank session. Well, I don't want to complain. I don't want to feel bad about this anymore. I'd rather call it a good day, a sort of happy day. Why not? I cleared off a lot of stress and got in some good cardio exercise. The problem is I cannot help thinking how much better it would be with a woman. I imagine Sugar beneath me, blonde, twenty-two and naked, her arms around me, kissing me. It really brings out the emptiness of this wankery and of my life and how undesirable I am. On the other hand, it makes the thought of death seem sweet. One is not so horny for life and filled with desire and ambition. I know that it is all but over now. It's kind of peaceful, serene, almost zen-like. I just cannot help feeling a little sad about it. ... ... An orangey sky going into evening. Cloudy, too, though. Pop was right to say that it was looking like rain. The forecast was calling for a 40% chance of scattered storms at four, five in the morning, though I now see that has been delayed until tomorrow evening. Looking out the window, I wouldn't mind putting some money down on rain tonight. ... ... Sammy comes in for a bite to eat. I pet him and say, "Hey, baby!" and I add, "I wish you treated your sister better." Coco has always been the third cat out, as Ash and Sammy pair off together more. Coco is not eating, again. It's strange: she had been eating good for several days, seemingly back to her normal self. She is also staying in the house more now. She doesn't lie down by my feet or anything, but hides somewhere, very quietly. I half-fear that I will discover her one of these days behind a couch or dresser lying there cold and dead. ... She is now lying down close to me. She is perched on top of the couch-back, which is a location that used to be her regular spot, but which she has not come to in months. I sit back in my chair and look at her. Her eyes are open, and I cannot help thinking that she is scared. All I can do is say, "I love you." It's no help at all, just a prayer, but it's all I can do.