3 Out of 4

[monk222]

A provocative lament on how sexual energy is always there and seldom nice. The primal animal stirs within. Hungry.

_ _ _

I am the 1 who went to a party, made out with someone, and they never pushed too far.

I am the 1 who told a boyfriend no when pressured for sex, and I was dumped instead of forced.

I am the 1 who had a partner, that took no for an answer.

I am the 1 who slept in a friend’s bed, and didn’t get assaulted.

I am the 1 who got drunk with friends and strangers, and woke up with my clothes on.

I am the 1 who had parents friends babysit, and they read me childhood stories instead of ruining mine.

I am the 1 who played doctor as a child, and it meant fetching juice and listening for a heartbeat.

I am the 1 who went out walking at night in my neighbourhood, and made it home safely.

I am the 1 who said “I have a headache” or “I am tired”, and went to sleep.

I am the 1 who had friend’s older brothers tell me to go away, because I wasn’t cool.

I am the 1 whose sexual firsts were consentual.

I am the 1 whose sexual encounters have been consented to.

Still…

I am Someone who has heard “If you loved me…” and “Stop being such a tease”.

I am Someone who has had drunk 16 year olds proposition me for $5 when I was 10 walking home.

I am Someone who has gone home sore and in tears after dry sex.

I am Someone who has woken up to friends touching my ass.

I am Someone who has had an ex say they will kill themselves because we weren’t together any longer.

I am Someone who had my cousin try to “experiment” with me as a child, but stopped because our parents got home.

I am Someone who has been coerced into showing body parts for the titillation of others.

I am Someone who has had my ass and breasts grabbed at a bar.

I am Someone who has been told countless times “Guys do that” and “It’s a compliment”.

I am Someone who is sick of hearing that I’m paranoid, worry over nothing, and should lighten up.

I am Someone who is exhausted by hearing the same tired “jokes” about my body parts, my emotions, and my and others right to bodily autonomy.

Rape isn’t a joke and Sex isn’t a game. 3 out of 4 women are survivors of sexual assault. I am the 1 who sits there when friends discuss their experiences, silent and riddled with guilt for how fortunate I have been. I have never been penetrated against my will. And yet, as I look back on my life, I realize I am someone who has had instances where penetration didn’t occur, but I still feel horribly violated and ashamed.

And I’m terrified to realize that 1 isn’t as far from 3 as I might want to believe.

-- 3 Out of 4