Wednesday

I had another Coco dream. Oddly, I am in the big room sitting in the recliner, which is positioned in the room as it was in the old days when Bo was with us. Coco is in my arms, and I pet and even kiss her. I believe she even licked me back in this dream. However, she quickly regained her feline character and obviously wanted me to let her go, and she leaped to the floor. Then there was that strange 'doubling' effect. Another cat ran down and across me, as though she had been perched on top of the headrest, and it too was Coco. Even in the dream, I am finding this weird, as I wake up. ... There was another peculiar dream, that was more disturbing. No cats or dogs in this one. I am driving. I am alone in the car. At one point, I back into a person's empty driveway, but I lose a little control and back into the garage door or wall. It's not a very hard bump, such that it probably wouldn't have even caused any damage to the car, but it's hardly just a 'touching'. I am scared and just speed away, happy to hope that everything is find and peachy, and no one will even notice anything. However, later, when I am home and outside talking with Pop, an angry middle-aged white man comes over. He grabs me by the arm and leads me away. It's his house. He takes me inside and shows me cracks below the ceiling on the wall, and takes me elsewhere to show me that there are cracks in other walls too. These cracks appear to extend down from the ceiling for about half-a-foot. The suggestion is that it's not major damaage, but on the other hand, if he is expecting me to pay for it, it will cost a fortune nonetheless. This is one dream I was happy to come out of. ... There is another scrap of dream that I only keep because mother is in it. She is driving a car, and I am with her in the front passenger seat. I cannot recall anything else really, except that she is young - slender with long, dark hair, and pretty - a twenty something. She is perhaps a bit anxious about something, as though she might be running late. ... ... I took care of the last stretch of lawn with the weed-eater, but it doesn't look great. Pop ignored it for too long. That is thick lawn on the sidewalk curb and street. I think about saying something to Pop, "I am afraid we might get in trouble. It is our responsibility to keep our lawn under control, but now it is stretching out into the street. I am trying to chip away at it, but it is well-settled and deep." I mainly want to communicate the idea that if we get in trouble, the problem existed before I took over the chore. I haven't done it, though. It doesn't feel right to introduce such negativity into our air. As for doing something about the problem, I can only imagine that I need to break out the shovel and try to scoop up the earth from the concrete. I can only marvel why it is so hard to keep our the grass alive in our yard, but it can somehow flourish wonderfully on our sidewalks and streets. ... ... Watching the mini-series "River" again, starring Stellan Skarsgård, for my second time, I catch what I somehow missed on my first go-around. When I watched it the first time, I was completely lost on that 'fiendish criminal' character. Who was he? Shouldn't they have said more about him? It turns out that they did spell it out for us, but my mind had apparently wandered during the critical scene, while I was perhaps happily cutting off a piece of chicken to eat. He is based on a real criminal: Dr. Thomas Neill Cream, also known as the Lambeth Poisoner. It seems like an unlikely pick, as though one were looking for something obscure in the interest in originality. On the other hand, it is an English show, and perhaps the case is not quite so obscure there. River even holds up a book with the character's name and picture on the cover, thus truly spelling it out for the audience, provided that the audience is conscious at the time.

Games

V:

So, the chess pieces are put away, the chessboard folded up and tossed back onto the shelves.

M:

Yup. It wasn't easy. I wonder if I will ever take it back down again and take another shot at chess. I have said 'never again' a few times over the years, and yet I have always come back to it. But it is pretty late now.

In any case, in place of the chess set, I have broken out the puzzle pieces.

V:

Having fun?

M:

Uh, I am definitely feeling puzzled. I feel myself becoming more disillusioned by the minute. But tell me: is it sporting to first separate out all the border-pieces, the ones with a flat side, or does that go against the spirit of the enterprise, making it too mechanical, like I want to emulate a robot rather than dig in like a kid and have fun with it and just going where the pieces take me.

V:

I don't really know. But I imagine spontaneity is always the more fun path. But whatever works. For you, it might be best to begin more formulaically and walk on firmer ground, to get you started.

[Two hours later...]

V:

Oh, my god! You are now putting away the puzzle!

M:

Yup.

V:

You didn't even put two pieces together.

M:

Yeah, I might as well have lit up that ten, fifteen dollars like a cigarette. That would have been more entertaining. But it's not really the money that bothers me. I was hoping that I would be opening up a box of 'Yay, Fun!' Instead, I get reminded that I really am a fucking idiot. It would seem that I am only good for watching TV.

V:

Well, don't forget your books. You know, that can be more than enough to fill up a life. You do have a real thing for reading. You always have. Maybe that's it! Maybe you have always been where you always wanted to be, after all.

M:

Could be. I might have to settle for that answer. It's just that I cannot read all the time. I mean, I cannot even read as much as a normal person, I think, because of my uncoordinated eyes. It would be nice if I could fill up some of that loose time with something halfway meaningful or even just plain fun. But if I can't, I can't. Maybe I will just sleep more. I have been falling in that direction anyway, and I always enjoy it. I just cannot help wondering if there is something that I would greatly enjoy doing but just cannot see it.