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I feel myself getting to that point in my chess life where I feel too stupid to be carrying on with it. I just cannot play with three things at once in my head. I cannot even break into the intermediate level. Playing at the beginner's level all your life is ... demoralizing.
"What about ... fun levels? Can't you set it down to ... a kiddie level or something and then dominate it like a grandmaster?"
Yeah ... but I cannot really enjoy any true satisfaction in watching the computer leave a Queen in from of my piece unprotected. It's not like taking candy from a little girl and at least getting to enjoy the primal satisfaction of busting her cherry. I just feel stupid taking the Queen, so that it feels like I am wasting my time - that that is the only way I can win.
"God! That's a pretty picture. It's a good thing for you that I know that that is not really your life, but, still, it's ugly just to talk like that."
You brought up the kiddie level! But I know. I guess I am just enjoying the writer's freedom to let go, and to not be afraid of propelling a discussion with a little colorful shock.
"Uh huh, does it have to be so perverted?"
The writer can never escape himself, not entirely. The artist must use the paints and brushes that are on hand.
"So, we are not racing for the New York Times's best sellers list.
No, my writing is a lot like my chess. There's no hope of growing beyond the beginner's level, but I cannot think of a better way to pass the time. However, the issue at hand is whether I should let go of the chess. The writing I'll probably always keep with me. It helps me to think, work things out. The question is whether chess really does anything for me, or would it be better not to waste another minute on the game? We are now in our fifties and time is no longer a luxury. Is chess worth it for me to spend an hour a day on? Or should I just spend an extra hour on my books and journals?
"As I recall, you went into this chess thing - yet again - with the intention not to play but to watch. I think you said it was going to be a spectator's sport for you from now on."
Bingo! I mean, I will have to play some games, sometimes. It does kill time beautifully, as one gets so absorbed in trying to work out the possibilities, at least until you have fucked it up so bad that you have to resign a game, for the nth time, feeling dumb. But that's where I am heading: play fewer games of my own, spend more of my chess time playing through other people's games. Still, that sounds kind of dumb: chess as a spectator's sport?? But I cannot just read and write all the time. It is good to have a game in one's bag of tricks. Solitaire isn't going to do it for me. Neither is poker. I am not entirely sure about chess yet. I'm going to stick with it for now, focus more on this 'spectator' notion, see if it can work for me and become a more solid part of who I am, what I am.
"Can't you find a chess club or something and play with other people - offline."
I actually find that a tempting thought, like, maybe I could socialize with others over chess - playing chess, talking chess. The problem is that it probably couldn't stay within those boundaries. Right off the bat, people will want to know about you. They'll ask, "What do you do?" How can I go on socializing with them when my answer is that I haven't had a real job in my whole adult life and I live with my dad. No, no wife or girlfriend, just my cats. And, yeah, I am 50 years old. How does that relationship proceed naturally from there? No, I think I'm just stuck this way.
"What about ... fun levels? Can't you set it down to ... a kiddie level or something and then dominate it like a grandmaster?"
Yeah ... but I cannot really enjoy any true satisfaction in watching the computer leave a Queen in from of my piece unprotected. It's not like taking candy from a little girl and at least getting to enjoy the primal satisfaction of busting her cherry. I just feel stupid taking the Queen, so that it feels like I am wasting my time - that that is the only way I can win.
"God! That's a pretty picture. It's a good thing for you that I know that that is not really your life, but, still, it's ugly just to talk like that."
You brought up the kiddie level! But I know. I guess I am just enjoying the writer's freedom to let go, and to not be afraid of propelling a discussion with a little colorful shock.
"Uh huh, does it have to be so perverted?"
The writer can never escape himself, not entirely. The artist must use the paints and brushes that are on hand.
"So, we are not racing for the New York Times's best sellers list.
No, my writing is a lot like my chess. There's no hope of growing beyond the beginner's level, but I cannot think of a better way to pass the time. However, the issue at hand is whether I should let go of the chess. The writing I'll probably always keep with me. It helps me to think, work things out. The question is whether chess really does anything for me, or would it be better not to waste another minute on the game? We are now in our fifties and time is no longer a luxury. Is chess worth it for me to spend an hour a day on? Or should I just spend an extra hour on my books and journals?
"As I recall, you went into this chess thing - yet again - with the intention not to play but to watch. I think you said it was going to be a spectator's sport for you from now on."
Bingo! I mean, I will have to play some games, sometimes. It does kill time beautifully, as one gets so absorbed in trying to work out the possibilities, at least until you have fucked it up so bad that you have to resign a game, for the nth time, feeling dumb. But that's where I am heading: play fewer games of my own, spend more of my chess time playing through other people's games. Still, that sounds kind of dumb: chess as a spectator's sport?? But I cannot just read and write all the time. It is good to have a game in one's bag of tricks. Solitaire isn't going to do it for me. Neither is poker. I am not entirely sure about chess yet. I'm going to stick with it for now, focus more on this 'spectator' notion, see if it can work for me and become a more solid part of who I am, what I am.
"Can't you find a chess club or something and play with other people - offline."
I actually find that a tempting thought, like, maybe I could socialize with others over chess - playing chess, talking chess. The problem is that it probably couldn't stay within those boundaries. Right off the bat, people will want to know about you. They'll ask, "What do you do?" How can I go on socializing with them when my answer is that I haven't had a real job in my whole adult life and I live with my dad. No, no wife or girlfriend, just my cats. And, yeah, I am 50 years old. How does that relationship proceed naturally from there? No, I think I'm just stuck this way.
