Oct 10, 2003 xxx

Monk:

I wish that you could bottle some of your energy and send me some! I have no hope of even keeping up in our debate, and yet you go into other debates and take some snips elsewhere, not to mention having a life of your own... I'm tempted to think that you must be twins.


Sugar:

Ironic. The fact of the matter is that I actually have almost no energy, spend most of my time sleeping, or sitting on the Internet, and have accomplished NOTHING this week, nor barely left my house


M:

Hmm, if that is true, then I must be a corpse, laboring under the illusion that I'm living. I get tired just reading the e-mail notifications from you!


S:

That's because in a desperate attempt to avoid reality, I spend most of my time on the Internet.


M:

Yet, you hold down a job, live in your own place, play in a band, and you are in a very active social circle with some real good friends, not to mention all the debates that you like to get into.

You've read enough of my life to see that I'm a much better example of avoiding reality. I marvel that you can say such about yourself to me.


S:

Some random facts.

I barely hold a job. I work a part/time minimum wage job at a clothing store while all my friends are getting, aherm, real jobs. I have a freelancing career that's stalled in its tracks because I have been so unmotivated and irresponsible that I have shot myself in the proverbial foot on multiple occasions. I just realized yesterday that I was assigned a story four weeks ago that I never did... never called the interview, totally forgot about it.

My dad still pays for some of my share of the rent. This is based on an agreement a long time ago that was basically that I was forced to move out before I was ready because of my mother's abuse. The rent $$ is an extremely low amount compared to what he still would have been paying her if I still lived with her: but nonetheless I am ashamed of it each and every day because at 22 I am still too much of a failure to make enough money to survive.

I have a band that I barely work at and almost never practice outside of rehearsal.

My life is a lie. I appear to be young, successful, exciting, and cool. In reality, I'm a university drop-out who never could survive in the real world.


M:

So much blunt reality! I still think that there is something there to be able to put forth such a good show of the young, successful, exciting, and cool woman. I rather like your chances. And 22... so young!

I still would like to hear of you resuming your university career, even if on a part-time basis, if only to get credit for all the studying and reading that you do, as well as building the background that the Establishment likes and trusts. One feels like you have the goods, and it's just a matter of cashing them in -- getting the degrees -- and then really cashing in.

I don't know. I hope I'm not offending you. There just seems to be so much there, and you only have to channel it.


S:

You're right about the channeling.

I failed university because I died there... I found the entire concept to be so smothering and painful and so much of a lie. I had envisioned it in my youth as this wondrous place of learning, where everybody would walk around with halos over their heads discussing literature and poetry and world affairs.

When I got there, I realized that it was just another factory to churn out kids with degrees to go take their place in the machine. I had expected a great encouragement of free thought and individual appreciation of the material: it wasn't like that.

Everyone else I was friends with noticed the same thing. However, the difference was they decided just to slug through it. I was miserable, incredibly miserable, and I completely lost the will to go.

I don't know if it will ever happen again. P/T would be the only option. I HATE IT.