Apr. 8th, 2017

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As I take to my chess board this morning, I start yawning widely, my brain goes foggy, and I am ready for a little nap. I recognize this as a familiar pattern, and it gives me a calculus flashback, as I recall my earliest undergraduate days trying to thrive in computer science.

How can I believe that I am greatly fascinated in math or chess, but then go groggy when I actually engage the material? Am I kidding myself about the fascination, perhaps with a certain fixation to see myself as smart? Or is it possible to be fascinated by something without being able to actually participate, say, with sports and athleticism but without the least capacity for such performance? Maybe it's both.

This is not to say I am giving up on chess. Unlike calculus and collegiate math, I don't need to make steady progress to continue to play. I can simply enjoy games, in the same way that our would-be athlete can enjoy watching sports on TV, or even going out and shooting some hoops at the park.
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After finishing the Blumenthal chapter this morning, I realized that it didn't feel right to immediately move on to another book. It is too jarring. At first, I thought maybe the situation just called for a transition to something qualitatively different, such as a chapter from the Iliad or perhaps even Paradise Lost, but this idea didn't settle well with me either.

Then I remembered that I have wanted to get my writing and my Old Journal back into the routine, forcing it in somewhere. This promises to be as good a place as any, instead of force-reading a book that I would rather enjoy with a little patience and appetite-building.

I find myself calling it the Me Project, rather than the Three Journal. It's a looser and broader moniker. It feels more peppy, too. Actually, it sounds rather adolescent, but I am okay with that. It also sounds feminine, but I am not letting that ruin my mood. It could be the name of a TV series for M-TV, the inspiring tale of a high-school girl discovering herself. In my case, of course, I am looking for a way to die at peace with myself.

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monk222

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